When Grief Is Silent: Understanding Infertility and Pregnancy Loss

by Sunny Rourke, LAC

Infertility and pregnancy loss are some of the most painful and misunderstood experiences a person can go through. And yet, for how common they are, they’re rarely talked about openly.

So many women carry this kind of grief quietly — a longing, a loss, a deep disappointment that often goes unseen by the world around them. Maybe you’re one of them. Maybe you’ve sat in waiting rooms hoping for answers, walked out of appointments holding bad news, or marked a due date that never came.

You’re not alone. And what you’re feeling is valid.

It’s More Common Than You Might Realize

Roughly 1 in 8 couples in the United States struggle with infertility. Miscarriage, or pregnancy loss before 20 weeks, occurs in about 10–20% of known pregnancies, though the actual number may be higher. Stillbirth, the loss of a baby at or after 20 weeks, happens in about 1 in 175 pregnancies.

Despite how common these experiences are, they often happen behind closed doors. People may not even know you were pregnant. Or they might not understand why infertility feels like a loss. These factors can make it feel like your grief doesn’t count, but it absolutely does.

The Emotional Weight of Reproductive Grief

The emotional impact of infertility and pregnancy loss can be profound. It’s not “just a bad day” or something you can easily move on from. It’s grief, sometimes mixed with trauma, anxiety, shame, and identity loss.

You may feel:

• Sad, angry, or numb

• Disconnected from your body

• Haunted by what-ifs

• Trapped between hope and fear

• Like you failed, even though you didn’t

Many women experience symptoms of anxiety or depression. Some have panic attacks before medical appointments. Others feel waves of grief around due dates, baby showers, or even just walking through a Target baby aisle. These are real and normal reactions to deep emotional pain, even if no one around you seems to understand.

Why It’s So Hard to Talk About

There are many reasons this kind of grief gets silenced. Sometimes it’s the stigma, the sense that talking about miscarriage or infertility is too personal, too uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s the fear of burdening others or hearing comments that hurt more than they help.

People often say things like:

• “At least it was early.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “You can always try again.”

But those phrases can feel dismissive, like your grief isn’t real or you should be over it by now. You might even start to question your own feelings or carry guilt that you’re “not handling it well enough.”

This is what’s called disenfranchised grief — grief that isn’t socially acknowledged or supported. It’s real. And it’s incredibly painful.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Grieving

If you’ve been through pregnancy loss or infertility, your body, heart, and mind have all carried something heavy. Your body might feel like it let you down. Your thoughts might spiral with “what ifs.” You may feel unrecognizable, like your identity has shifted, and nothing feels certain anymore.

All of that is part of the grieving process.

It’s also important to know that grief doesn’t follow a timeline. You might still be sad months, even years, after a loss. You might grieve the family you thought you’d have, the dream that didn’t come true, or the child you never got to hold.

This kind of grief deserves space, attention, and care.

What Can Help

While there’s no one-size-fits-all path to healing, here are a few things that can support you along the way:

• Give yourself permission to grieve. You don’t need to justify your pain to anyone.

• Talk to someone who gets it. This might be a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend who’s walked a similar path.

• Set boundaries. It’s okay to protect your heart, especially when it comes to social media, family gatherings, or conversations that trigger pain.

• Stay connected to your body. Gentle movement, breathing practices, or simply noticing how your body feels can help restore a sense of safety over time.

• Honor what you’ve lost. Whether that’s through journaling, a ritual, or simply speaking your truth, your loss matters.

You Deserve Support

If you're in this season, grieving, waiting, questioning, know that you're not alone. And there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. This is not your fault. Your body is not broken. Your grief is not too much.

You are not “too sensitive” or “taking it too hard.” You are grieving something real and important, and you deserve support, compassion, and space to heal.

If this post resonates with you, take it as a gentle invitation to begin giving yourself that support. Whether that’s reaching out to someone, finding a therapist who understands reproductive grief, or simply allowing yourself to feel, it’s a start.

You are not alone in this.