Anger is often a disowned emotion because many people, starting from childhood, learn that expressing anger threatens their relationships or disrupts the environment. From a mental health perspective, society and early caregivers often view anger as disruptive, undesirable, or even dangerous. This results in many children being taught, implicitly or explicitly, that their anger is unacceptable or needs to be suppressed. Over time, this suppression of anger leads to a pattern of disowning the emotion altogether, disconnecting from the very signals it gives about our boundaries, needs, and sense of self.
The Role of Childhood and Power Differential
In childhood, there is a profound power differential between the child and caregivers. Children are entirely dependent on adults for safety, nourishment, love, and belonging, which are essential for survival. This dynamic creates an environment where a child must adapt to the emotional and behavioral expectations of caregivers to maintain attachment bonds.
If a child’s anger threatens this attachment, they may learn to suppress or disown it to stay in relationship with their caregivers. This is especially true if the caregiver is uncomfortable with anger or if expressing anger in the household leads to punishment, withdrawal of affection, or abandonment (whether emotionally or physically). In such a context, expressing anger becomes dangerous for the child’s sense of safety and belonging.
Children intuitively understand this power differential and learn to navigate it by disowning aspects of themselves that jeopardize their attachment needs. In this case, anger becomes something to hide or ignore because the relationship with their caregivers takes priority. This is how children learn to survive emotionally within their family system, even if it means cutting off from a vital part of their emotional experience.
Impact on the Body
The disowning of anger has profound effects on the body. Emotions like anger are energy in motion, and when they are chronically repressed or disowned, they don’t simply vanish. Instead, they get stored in the body, often manifesting as muscle tension, chronic pain, headaches, digestive issues, or other physical symptoms. This is particularly true because anger activates the fight-or-flight response, preparing the body for action. When anger is suppressed, that physiological readiness has no outlet, causing stress to be trapped in the body.
The body is deeply interconnected with our emotions, and when we suppress emotions like anger, we disrupt this balance. Over time, this can lead to chronic stress, high cortisol levels, and inflammation, further contributing to physical and mental health challenges.
The Impact of Disowning Anger on Mental Health
Suppressing anger doesn’t just affect the body—it also disrupts emotional regulation. Disowned anger often shows up in other ways, such as passive aggression, irritability, resentment, depression, and anxiety. When people disconnect from their anger, they also disconnect from their ability to set boundaries, advocate for themselves, or recognize when they’ve been wronged. This leads to a cycle of emotional disempowerment where individuals feel helpless or victimized, unable to use anger as a constructive force for change.
Anger, when processed healthily, can be an agent of protection and self-advocacy. It signals when something is wrong and mobilizes action. By disowning it, we may also disconnect from our ability to stand up for ourselves, making us more prone to toxic relationships, chronic dissatisfaction, and burnout.
Reintegrating Anger and Healing
Healing requires reintegrating anger in a healthy, conscious way. This means reconnecting with the body and learning to feel and express anger safely, without fear of abandonment or retribution. Somatic therapies, trauma-informed counseling, and mindfulness practices can help individuals recognize the stored anger in their bodies and process it constructively.
Recognizing the roots of this disconnection—especially the impact of childhood and attachment—helps individuals understand that their relationship with anger is shaped by survival needs. Once those survival patterns are no longer necessary, they can reestablish a healthier relationship with anger, using it as a powerful tool for self-awareness, protection, and authenticity.
Ultimately, anger isn’t the problem; it’s the unhealed wounds from childhood and power imbalances that shape how we handle it. Healing comes from reclaiming the full spectrum of our emotional experience, including anger, and allowing it to guide us toward our truth, boundaries, and well-being.
Healing happens when we can feel ALL our feelings, including anger.
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